Taking Pleasure: A Wheel of Consent Journey
A bit of background
When I initially encountered the Wheel of Consent I was intrigued, and after reading Betty Martins’ work, I was entranced; here was a way to create clearer and cleaner relationships in the world. So, I dived into workshops, participated in the Like a Pro intensive, and joined co-facilitation of the Meanjin/Brisbane Wheel group. I loved it all and still do.
At the moment my primary pull to this work lies in how the line of consent defines the quadrants (check out the 31st August 2025 post for more on this). In the Wheel, shadows are ‘quadrants gone bad’ - essentially actions taking place outside consensual agreement - and muddiness is the ‘not quite inside the circle but not quite outside it either’ area. I’m fascinated by the transition from shadow to muddiness to clarity - the moving from the unconsented outside to the consented inside of the quadrants.
Each quadrant has shadows and muddiness that relate to their internal dynamic. While the shadows associated with all quadrants are challenging; for me it’s taking that hits hard. Betty describes this as ‘… the hardest quadrant because it opens vulnerability, unfamiliarity and fears of selfishness. It brings up the reality that I have permission to want something for myself involving wanting to do something to the other’.
What this leads me to is curiosity of the felt sense of being in the shadow, the mud, and the consensual zone of taking. This curiosity about non-consensual and consensual action has been within me all of my adult life, and I’m particularly interested in:
safely playing with power
Childhood, schooling, military training, and travel through conflict zones inform my experience of non-consensual actions of perpetrators and their infliction of suffering onto others, which are the deep shadows of the take-allow dynamic. Because of my commitment to avoiding these, the recent experience of feeling into taking with explicit safety and clarity around the power dynamic between participants, and the way this opens up so many possibilities, makes me want to explore more.
challenging social structures
Structural complexities strongly influence our lives. Advertising steals time; media distorts eroticism; political factions degrade human rights; restrictive behavioural norms inhibit freedom; the list goes on...
While the Wheel is not created as a solution to structural impingements, for me the taking quadrant applies to any situation of non-consensual action by vested interest – personal, relational, political, corporate... In my experience identifying and exploring agreements illuminates shadows and structural anomalies that can then be negotiated in a variety of ways.
sexuality, pleasure and intimacy
In the consensual zone of the taking quadrant, sensuality, lust, arousal, primality, confidence and integrity are all deeply valued. Trustworthiness in taking is inherent to meeting, holding, and deepening the intensity of these elements, and being responsible for guardianship of the limits of the other within this leads to a beautiful feeling of care and pleasure. Playing in the taking quadrant has been transformative in this way.
Exploring each of these areas of curiosity had led me to understanding the…
Pleasure in the treasure!
My initial application of the Wheel was within workshops that extrapolated to my workplace, for reasons that were important at the time. This emphasis has shifted to consensual taking within intimate relationships, where close dynamics can be viewed through the lens of the Wheel.
While sex is brilliant as a playground for exploring taking, I’ve found that kink is even better, mainly because the entire take-allow dynamic is beautifully encapsulated in consensual power exchange. Here the gift exchanged within taking and allowing - most often surrender - demands extra integrity based in very strongly held agreement to ensure safety and to meet mutual needs. To be the taker in this role is exquisite, and when this dynamic is safely and strongly held, Eros flows in abundance.
I have found this to be one of the treasures of take-allow - the ability to expand the surrender that lies within shared requests and meet this through the desire to contain the other within the expansiveness of the dynamic. This creates enhanced depth of intimacy and is a VERY pleasurable experience. As Betty says, ‘over time taking makes the hands softer, more responsive, curious, intuitive, creative, present, trustworthy and the allowers entire body becomes erogenous’. HELL YES!
Feeling the taking experience
The experience of embodiment within transitioning from shadow to consent has been slow, sure, sometimes present, and sometimes not. And it has been within kink where I have really found familiarity with the feeling of taking.
Because of certain body-bound memories I initially found distinguishing unconsented power and consensual impact play difficult – consent seemed unclear and in favour of the taker and I took time to adjust to clarifying and creating safe containment. Initially there were feelings of resistance, tension and constriction within me when shadows were present; this then moved to hesitation, grasping and imbalance when muddiness occurred, and finally openness, pulling, and stillness when consensual agreement was clear and limits honoured. I found that only in the latter state does the container surrounding the exchange have the integrity and the energy to fully create the necessary safety.
Over time – in all of my relationship contexts - I’ve realised that within take-allow agreements a huge amount happens. When strong consent is present, desires, actions, meeting in integrity, surrender, and the altering of agreements as needed all flow easily. The shadows, the muddiness, and the line of consent all come sharply into focus and are identified, felt, and validated by embodied responses in the moment. It’s a space full of awareness and vitality.
I’ve long been a giver, with my relationships and career choices largely grounded in my perception of service. Since exploring the taking quadrant, I’ve realised that my previous giving elegantly and righteously allowed me to avoid fully receiving. In no way was I serving myself.
Taking with integrity brings forth self-worth and receiving that becomes free of shadows and mud. Power, social conditioning, and intimacy are transformed, and eroticism becomes richer, deeper, and more vital.
It’s ongoing work, it’s a lot of fun, it’s elegant, it’s liberating.
Giving and Receiving within the exploratory offerings area of the playground is a really great way to explore taking in depth.